Embracing Accusation

For those of you who know me, it will come as no surprise that I sometimes can become overly critical of myself, and that if I deal myself enough crippling blows without placing healing salve onto my wounds, I can get myself into quite a funk.

Well, a couple weeks or so into the summer, for one reason or another, I started slacking in my responsibilities, to myself, but mainly to God.  I (subconsciously?) decided I just did not want to put in the effort of maintaining a thriving relationship with Him, because it would be hard to do away from the university.  I slacked on spiritual disciplines – Bible reading, prayer, meditation, worshipping, etc. – and substituted other reading and activities.  Some of the reading pertained to life and faith, so maybe my situation was not as dire as I believe.  Nevertheless, I felt distant from God.  I felt the distance when I tried to read the Bible.  I felt distance when I tried to pray.  When I went to church.  When I was with believers outside of church.  When I tried to worship.

I did not feel connected to God, or to His body, the Church.  Yes, when I was able to visit my good friends from the university, or was reading a “spiritual” book, I felt a bit more connected, but those were the only times.  So perhaps I was not in a “funk” so much as I was spiritually shriveling from lack of spiritual water.  But where should I draw my spiritual hydration from – other Christians, or the Christ?  Should I be able to stand alone?  And am I necessarily as alone as I make myself out to be?

Anyway, during this time of dryness I was also made keenly aware of all of my shortcomings as a follower of Christ by the Lord Himself.  If He had not opened my eyes, I cannot fathom how long I would have been blind to my own wickedness.  Vanity.  Selfishness.  Greed.  Anger.  Apathy.  Self-righteousness.  Pride.  Oh, pride.  At this point, I found that my monstrous feelings of shame and guilt were perfectly expressed in a song by Shane & Shane called “Embracing Accusation.”  The lyrics run thus, though you’ll have to hear the performance to understand the depth of feeling behind them:

“The father of lies coming to steal, kill and destroy

All my hopes of being good enough.

I hear him saying, “cursed are the ones who can’t abide.”

He’s right…Alleluia, he’s right.

The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed,

That I am cursed and gone astray,

I cannot gain salvation…embracing accusation.

Could the father of lies be telling the truth of God to me tonight?

If the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine.

I hear him saying, “cursed are the ones who can’t abide.”

He’s right…Alleluia, he’s right… (continues as above)

Here’s a link to the song on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FI1sSZ1zTEs

To me, this part of the song was my cry of anguish to God.  I was cursed, I had strayed far from the heart of God, and I could feel it.  I knew in my heart and soul that I could not abide before a holy and awesome God, I could not look into His face.  There was no way I could even try – I was not worthy, my sinfulness prevented me from even entering His throne room.  If I were to try, I felt I would be obliterated (though in my mind I knew I would not be, but Christ that the LORD would see, not my wretched sinfulness).  I, Rachel Darling, would never, ever be good enough to stand before the LORD.  And I despaired.  I was cursed.  I would never be good enough.  I could never gain salvation.  It would always be far beyond my reach.  I could never make it.  In both my mind and my heart, I knew that this was God’s truth (second verse).

Until today, this first part of the song has been what has spoken to me, and has expressed most clearly the state of mind and heart I have been in.  However, today this second part of the song clicked:

The devil’s singing over me an age old song

That I am cursed and gone astray

Singing the first verse so conveniently over me

He’s forgotten the refrain: Jesus saves!

He redeemed us from the curse of the law…

He redeemed us from the curse of the law…

Something within me latched onto the joy of the truth in the line “He’s forgotten the refrain: Jesus saves!”  Through my recent reading of a good portion of the Pentateuch, I can see what a burden the Law could be on the heart of a person.  I think my heart is finally beginning to grasp this second truth…though the devil’s accusation that I am cursed and gone astray is true, his basis for accusation and guilt, the law, is nullified by the blood of Christ.  Somehow, my Lord Jesus has broken through to my heart, and relieved me of the law I was inflicting on myself.  I will never measure up to perfection.  And at this moment, I am at peace, because I know no one expects me to.

Praise God!

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About rd734467

I am a seeker. A doer. An encourager. One who loves. One who longs to be loved. One who desperately yearns to make a difference in this world.
This entry was posted in Limping After Christ and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Embracing Accusation

  1. Ashley says:

    You don’t have to. You can’t be perfect, and you have no need to be ashamed of this. If we were perfect, why would we need a Savior, a God who saves? If we were perfect, who could relate to us? A fallen world would never relate, and we would be left alone on a pedestal of our own perfection, until it crumbled into dust and nothing but dust remained.

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