Sometimes, I have intense surges of emotions. This usually happens when I am sitting alone in my room, but sometimes when my roommate is around. Sometimes I have so many things to do, I cannot think straight. Sometimes I have barely anything to do. Most of the time, these emotions are negative. Loneliness. Self-pity. Unworthiness. A defeated spirit. Exhaustion.
Probably around half of the time, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for a while. Many times I do – cry, that is. On rare occasions, I even allow myself the luxury of hugging a pillow while I cry. Other times, I want to curl up in my bowl chair or bed and sleep – escape through oblivion.
I wish I was not like this. I wish I were more in control of my emotions, or that I could really be honest with people and not feel ashamed. I wish I had more will power to choose to be happy. I wish I did not compare myself to others ALL THE TIME. I wish a million things were different about me, because I so often overlook my own worth as a person. Every day I am critiquing myself, thinking that I need to be more like everyone else (which is impossible…then I would be some freakish mutant, if I were to take pieces of all of my friends and fuse them together…), thinking that I do not measure up to some unspoken standard, that I constantly fail. I have more issues than National Geographic. When did this happen?