Sometimes, I have intense surges of emotions.  This usually happens when I am sitting alone in my room, but sometimes when my roommate is around.  Sometimes I have so many things to do, I cannot think straight.  Sometimes I have barely anything to do.  Most of the time, these emotions are negative. Loneliness.  Self-pity.  Unworthiness.  A defeated spirit.  Exhaustion.

Head in hands

Probably around half of the time, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for a while.  Many times I do – cry, that is.  On rare occasions, I even allow myself the luxury of hugging a pillow while I cry.  Other times, I want to curl up in my bowl chair or bed and sleep – escape through oblivion.

I wish I was not like this.  I wish I were more in control of my emotions, or that I could really be honest with people and not feel ashamed.  I wish I had more will power to choose to be happy.  I wish I did not compare myself to others ALL THE TIME.  I wish a million things were different about me, because I so often overlook my own worth as a person.  Every day I am critiquing myself, thinking that I need to be more like everyone else (which is impossible…then I would be some freakish mutant, if I were to take pieces of all of my friends and fuse them together…), thinking that I do not measure up to some unspoken standard, that I constantly fail.  I have more issues than National Geographic.  When did this happen?


About rd734467

I am a seeker. A doer. An encourager. One who loves. One who longs to be loved. One who desperately yearns to make a difference in this world.
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One Response to

  1. Ashley says:

    You are simply incredible…and the sad/ironic thing is that I don’t think you even realize how incredible you are. “I have more issues than National Geographic”… where do you come up with sentences like that?? 🙂 You are so creative, so funny, so…pure in heart and action… I can’t begin to express it, but watching you grow and transform through all these years into the person you are today, and having the privilege and honor of growing with you, has just been one of the best journeys of my life. I LOVE YOU!

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